When I started this blog, it was ment to be a fun look at life, Twitter and things in general. But not long after starting it, has most of you know I got CLL and my blog changed.
I've always tried to be upbeat and funny, but it's all a lie.
Since starting chemotherapy I've turned into this person who I hate. My body is copping with the nuclear waste, just.
Apart from extreme fatigue, which means walking up and downstairs leaves me knackered, and the bout of sickness my body is ok.
It's my head that's fucked !
I am feeling all sorts of emotions, from crying at the simplest things to raging anger. Im upsetting the people that I love, and I can't control it !
This treatment is making me so depressed, it's unreal. I have a very short fuse at the moment, and snap at the smallest of things. It's getting beyond a joke now, but because its classed has a 'side effect' they can't do anything for me.
My head is all over the place. I forget things, I'm nasty and feel alone in this world. If I'm honest, it's destroying me inside. They should use chemotherapy has a torturing device of some sort, because it really does take you to pieces in a very quick and soul destroying way.
Also I've become a 'Hermit'. I never go out of the house unless it's for my blood tests or chemo. I've missed all the hot weather we've had, because of being very self conscience about the way I look (in my head), and the scar I have. I feel like people are staring at me, and that hurts.
I have 2 more chemo to have, both in August. I can't bloody wait, and I will say this now, I will seriously think about having chemo again.
I'm sorry for blogging this but I needed to get it off my chest.
Many thanks
Offski x
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
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